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Thoughts of Others???

This has been on my mind over the last few days, if not more....


As I was walking through the gym the other day I started to wonder who there thought I was fat. And despite the fact that I have lost 90 lbs I still have those feeling of others judging the way I look. Like today, I was in the free weight room and was the only female in there for most of the time. And apart from a couple of older gentlemen all the other guys that were in there are very very fit, muscular. Not to sound conceited in any terms but I noticed as I was doing my different exercises that some of them were looking at me. And the reason I said that I was not being conceited because in my mind these guys were thinking: What the hell is SHE doing in here; even though most of them see me pretty much on a regular basis. I honestly don't know what they are saying as I can't read minds (only if I could, lol). Maybe if one of them would strike up a conversation with me I would get a better feel as to what they are thinking. The only "guys" that speak to me at the gym are all older gentlemen....none of them have said anything but positive things to me. In fact as I was walking to my car after my awesome workout (lol) I ran into one of them who told me that he was telling his son about me and how that I'm an inspiration to everyone in the gym. It made me feel great and put a smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not intimidated by any means to walk into any room at the gym without feeling like I own it, that I deserve to be there, but still I have that tingling doubt in my mind that all these guys see is a fat girl. 


Yes, I'm married to wonderful guy, who finds me beautiful...so why should I care what these people are thinking? But what girl wants to have others, especially guys, think she is fat and ugly. I want to get to the point where I don't care what others think about me, but I really don't think I'm made up that way. It bothers me when people don't like me, especially when I haven't given them a reason as to why. But right now I think I would be happy knowing that I'm not "fat"...though I know now that I'm not really....yes, I'm still considered to be "overweight" by some medical standards. Come on, I weigh 152-151 lbs and can fit in a size 8 pants and medium top, and a medium in dresses and not look like I'm trying to squeeze myself into it. Plus I'm more physically fit than I have ever been. 


But I guess in reality I need to hear that I'm not fat from others to actually believe it even if I can see it myself in the mirror. Not that I'm asking anyone to tell me this, it's my personal battle. It's one of the biggest things I need to work on. Guess I have my next topic to discuss at my next therapy session, lol. 



Comments

  1. I know what you mean, and I still have a long way in my journey, but I still feel judged. It's a remnant from being obese. It's psychological and might take awhile to get over, but you will be there one day. You will eventually see what others see when they look at you, which truly is an inspiration.

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